Addiction
by Emy.Elle
Summary: James learns how to fix the biggest mistake of his life. SLASH. Descriptive SLASH. Please review - thank you! *inserts heart here*
1. Chapter 1

**Author's notes:**

**So, one random day (Thursday or was it Friday?) I was talking to one little hermit. She mentioned an Adam Lambert song that I was listening to right at that moment. It seemed too weird - but we're both weird together so, it's kind of ok. Anyway - that got me thinking of this little story.**

**I've been working on it ever since. Honestly I wanted to get it up in one single HUGE one-shot, but(!) I can't seem to find the time to finish by the end of the weekend and I desperately want to get this out here and get your impressions and feedback - so - I'm trying for a two-shot, maybe a three-shot IF I get enough inspiration.**

**Thus - here you go - first installment. Please tell me what you think. Pretty pretty please.**

* * *

James' iPhone was ringing off the proverbial hook. He grunted in his sleep and blindly answered it.

"James?!" Carlos' voice came from the speaker. He sounded distressed and James woke up in less than half a second at the sound.

"Los…?"

"Did you hear what happened?"

"What? Man, don't scare me…"

"It's Adam…" Carlos sounded sad and very serious.

"Adam… what?" James' heart constricted in his chest. He and Adam had broken up almost three months, five days, seven hours and twenty minutes – but who'd kept track? "I have nothing to do with Adam anymore…" James whispered, another knife in his heart, one more next to the dozen he already had.

"James… he's in the hospital…" Carlos whispered. "He almost ODed… it's all over the news…"

"WHAT?!" James screamed. He knew that Adam had taken a fall after James had had enough and left, but he would have never imagined… "Which hospital?" James asked in a heartbeat, without thinking, running a hand through his messy bed hair, already jumping in the first pair of jeans he found.

"Saint Mary and Joseph…" Carlos whispered. "Want me to come with you?" Carlos offered.

"No. We can't both get away with sneaking into a rehab hospital…" James replied. "Los… thank you." He let out before ending the conversation, grabbing a random shirt, his wallet, his house and car keys and his phone. He drove like a maniac, getting to the hospital in less than half the time.

James snuck inside the hospital through a back entrance, dodging the paparazzi gathered outside to catch a picture of his Adam in rehab, grabbed a random pair of scrubs and ran to the first information desk. He flirted with the nurse there saying he was new at the hospital – maybe she believed him, maybe she got lost in his smile – James could not care less – he got the room number and all but ran to Adam side.

What he found ripped him in half. Adam was lying there, motionless and white – so very white – like a sheet of paper, looking frail and breakable. James clasped a hand over his mouth to keep a squeal inside as a tear slipped down his cheek.

"What have you done?" James whispered as he sat down on Adam's bed, taking his white hand and kissing his fingers lightly. "I should never have left you." James whispered again. He stayed like that – motionless himself – for a long while, until a nurse came to check up on Adam's vitals and scolded him for being star struck and not tending to his duties. James opened his mouth to retort, but remembered the scrubs he was wearing over his clothes. He allowed the nurse to scold him, looking down at his feet. As soon as she was gone, however, so were his scrubs.

James settled in a chair next to Adam's bed, holding his hand, not even talking, just sharing his body warmth through the small, chaste touch.

Adam didn't even stir in his sleep the whole day, but James did not move. At midday Carlos called to check up on him and James dismissed him quickly saying he was fine. Carlos accepted his explanation and kept the world away from him. James didn't need the world. He just needed Adam to be ok.

Tears spilled from his eyes every time he looked at Adam's pale face contrasting so much against his raven black hair. James gently caressed Adam's cheek. "Please come back to me." James whispered at one point during the day. "Please, Adam, just come back. I'll never leave you again, just please." James whispered again, his voice cracking under the tears he was fighting to hold back. "I love you." James finally let out burying his head in Adam's sheet, nuzzling his cold palm.

Night began to fell and James still hadn't moved. Nurses tried to pry him way from Adam's bed side telling him that there would be no change in the near future, as Adam was under sedation, to keep him from being in too much pain of withdrawal, but James had noting of it. He needed to be there. He needed to be by Adam's side.

A nurse took pity on him and brought him a sandwich and James ate it knowing his body needed it. Every bite went down with a lump, guilt gripping at James heart worse than a vice ever could.

Morning came to find James still in the same seat, asleep, with his head by Adam's hand. As soon as a ray of sun hit his face James was up again, watching over Adam like a hawk. The same nurse that had brought James the sandwich brought him a coffee.

"He's lucky." She said with a smile as she left the room. James' head snapped to her. "I've never seen anyone love someone else as much as you love him." The woman left the room leaving James to his own sorrow.

"If I would have love you enough I wouldn't have left and allowed you to do this." A tear fell from James' eyes and he quickly wiped it away resuming his watch.

Adam finally stirred and woke up at midday. James smiled as wide as his cheeks would allow.

"Hi." He whispered.

"I'm dead…?" Adam asked his voice hoarse, raw. James' heart broke further.

"No." He caressed Adam's cheek gently.

Adam blinked once, twice, three times. He lifted his hand. James caught the movement and took Adam's hand in his own watching as a tear fell on Adam's cheek. "James…"

"I'm sorry, baby. So sorry I left you alone. I'll never ever do that again. Please forgive me." James kissed Adam's palm. He saw Adam's breath hitch.

"It's a dream." Adam said weakly. James shook his head. "I'm dreaming… hallucinating…" He let go of James' hand and covered his face with both hands. James pulled them away and made Adam look him in the eyes.

"I'm here. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." James said sternly.

Adam looked him in the eyes from the longest time before he broke down crying. James simply hugged Adam to his chest saying nothing. No words would ever be enough to fix what was wrong between them, but maybe, just maybe actions would.

Two days later Adam was being released and taken out of the hospital through the back leaving a very annoying and annoyed pack of paparazzi and news crews out front to argue with the security guys James had paid to have literally "take roots" there.

James took Adam to his place where he'd turned the guest room into Adam's quarters – for fear Adam would be reluctant about sharing his bed. The two days James hadn't left his side had made things a bit better between them, but the hurt and sorrow that had separated them months ago was still there and needing to be "aired".

Adam was surprised to find himself at James' place. He had bought the home after their break up and Adam had no idea what to expect, but the home was beautiful, though under-furnished. Welcoming, in its own way, yet somehow incomplete.

Adam's heart ached in his chest seeing himself surrounded by James' stuff and smell. Tears threatened to spill again, but he held back. "This place is beautiful." He finally managed with a chocked voice.

"Thank you. It's not done." James replied honestly, without thinking what he was saying. His own heart was racing like crazy seeing Adam in the middle of his living room. He seemed to fit in perfectly. James' heart ached with longing for the man in front of him, but his brain held him back. When Adam met his gaze – blue to hazel, hazel to blue – James knew, instinctively, that Adam shared his feelings.

"Why did you bring me here?" Adam asked in a small voice, holding his gaze.

"To recover…" Adam looked away. "To talk… to spend a bit of time together…"

"For old times' sake?" Adam asked in the same small voice.

He sounded broken and it made James move to his side, on the couch and hug him close. "Not only. Not really…"

Adam finally allowed his tears to fall as he hid his face in the crook of James' neck.

"Why?" Adam finally managed to ask.

James sighed knowing perfectly well what Adam was referring to. Still. He needed to hear the question.

"Why what, baby?"

Adam only sobbed harder. "Why did you leave…" He managed to choke out.

"Because I had had my fill, baby."

Adam pulled away, wiped his tears off angrily. "Your fill?" He spat as his tears ran dry.

James sighed and took Adam's hand in his. They matched. They fit. It was so right it hurt. "I had told you about a million times how much it hurt to see you parade around with boy-toys just to keep your image…"

Adam jerked away in anger, standing from the couch, pacing around in front of James' fireplace. James could both see and feel Adam's uncontrollable anger flair.

"Boy-toys…" Adam returned his word.

"Seeing you kiss other men or women, even for some stupid photo shoot hurt me, Adam. It still hurts now when I think back on it…"

"How do you think I felt when you kept me away from the public eye? Like you were embarrassed of me? Like I was dirt – filth on your perfect boy-next-door-goodie-two-shoes image?" Adam yelled at the top of his lungs. That second James was grateful his neighbors were far enough away not to call the cops on them.

"Baby…" James tried.

"Don't you BABY me!" Adam cut him off. James nodded shortly, keeping his voice calm and even.

"Adam, I explained this to you – I work at Nickelodeon – small children look up to me. I can't be gay. I can't slip up. I need to be the boy-next-door-goodie-two-shoes – as you poetically put it. You were NOT dirt and I was NOT ashamed to be with you. I just had to stick with my contract and think of the teens that look up to me, that expect me…"

"And that just leaves me in the dust, doesn't it?" Adam yelled again, tears spilling from his eyes – again.

"No, Adam, it doesn't." James replied calmly. "It leaves you in my heart." He stated as a matter of fact.

Adam stopped pacing and looked James in the eyes. His gaze like steal – cold and hard – cutting through James' heart like a warm knife through butter.

"In your heart…" Adam parroted with half a voice, his anger gone, dissolved as if it had been nothing but smoke in the wind.

James stood. He slowly crossed the physical distance between the two of them hoping to bridge the emotional chasm as he wrapped his arms around Adam's waist, his face on Adam's shoulder, their chests pushed together until no air remained between the two of them. "In my heart, in my bed, in my secret inner world that I allow no one else to touch." James' whispered, his voice somewhat muffled against Adam's t-shirt.

"It didn't feel that way when you walked out that door." Adam retorted with pain in his voice. He pushed against James' biceps but didn't succeed to push James away. Instead of moving away James held on tighter.

"I was stupid. I thought I could live without you."

"I don't need your pity, James. I'm not some handicapped shit just because I almost ODed." Adam spat with venom. James froze at his words. "I know my limit now." James heard Adam smirk and his heart stopped. He pulled back a little just enough to look Adam in the eyes.

"You mean…"

"Let me go, James."

"I can't…"

"You did it once. It shouldn't be that hard." Adam stopped pushing against James' arms. Instead he allowed his hands to fall limply next to his body as he stared into James' eyes. James shivered. He only saw determination and anger in the blue of Adam's gaze and it scared him.

James shook his head against the wave of rejection flowing freely from Adam's body. "It was the hardest, stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. There nothing I regret more."

"Well, it's done now, you can't take it back."

"Adam…" James whispered, at a loss for words.

"Just let me go." Adam shoved James aside easily as he was now frozen with fear that Adam had found a way to overdose on purpose.

Adam picked up his coat and duffle bag and headed for the door, a single stray tear staining his cheek as his feet moved one in front of the other, on autopilot. His heart was worse than in pieces, it was in dust. He was willingly walking away from the love of his life, but James had hid him away, had shoved him aside, had completely shattered him once and Adam was not willing to go through that all over again. But before he could reach the door James' strong arms wrapped around his torso, pinning him to his strong chest.

"Please, Adam, don't go… I can't lose you."

"You already lost me… You let me go, James… You walked out…" Adam said sternly, his voice not even cracking though tears were bubbling up inside of him.

"I was an idiot, ok?" James yelled forcibly turning Adam to face him. "I cried myself to sleep every night in my cold empty bed. I missed you with every breath. Please, just… give me another chance, please!"

Adam laughed in his face. "Sometimes I forget how good an actor you really are, James. You don't have to pretend for my sake. I won't try to kill myself. And even if I did – I'm not a child. I'm not your responsibility." He snickered and pushed James in the chest. Hard. "I have no business here. Let. Me. Go." He emphasized every word.

"No."

"Let. Me. Go!"

"No, Adam, NO!"

Adam growled from deep inside his chest. Though his body was still a little weak from the accidental overdose, adrenaline fueled him a fist painfully colliding with James' rib cage without warning. James' huffed heavily, his eyes widening at the violent reaction. "I. Said. Let. Go." And James did, his arms wrapping around his own torso. Adam turned and walked out whispering a small "I'm sorry" through his tears as he stepped out the door.

James simply stood there, frozen, for the longest time. Seeing Adam walk out hurt more than any words could ever express. Hearing Adam say he thought it was all an act hurt even more. He felt broken, shattered, in pieces. When he finally snapped out of it and realized what had actually happened he literally flew out the door not even bothering to lock it behind himself. He ran down the street at full speed and caught up to Adam, grabbing his shoulder.

"You asshole!" James growled before his fist collided with Adam's gut making him double over. James then proceeded to unceremoniously throw Adam over his shoulder. He grabbed Adam's duffle bag with his free arm and strutted down the street back to his home like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Fear of losing Adam and anger over getting sucker punched pumping enough adrenaline in his blood to take on an army.

"Put me the fuck down." Adam yelled as he kicked and flailed at the top of his abilities, as being flung over James' strong shoulder on a recently punched gut was taking the wind out of him a little. He felt girlish and somewhat weak in this position, especially when James smacked his ass – hard – to stop him from wiggling. Adam yelped.

"No." James answered as he walked back into the privacy of his home, shutting the door with his foot before walking up the stairs. He deposited Adam on the guest room bed, making him bounce up from the mattress and left the duffle bag at the foot of the bed. "This will be your room for – at least – the following week, while you're still not 100%. Doctors allowed you to leave the hospital into my care. I am responsible for you." James scolded him like a child.

"I am older than you…" Adam tried to retort and James snickered.

"Age didn't give you wisdom." He answered back, voice filled with sarcasm. "Now. YOU are under MY care." James pointed to each of them in turn. "I will NOT allow you to leave this house for the following week. Am I clear?"

"That's kidnapping."

"Everyone of my friends and yours, for that matter, know where you are."

"Then imprisonment."

"Fine. After this week is over, and you're fully healthy again, you can press charges."

Adam's eyes widened and his demeanor changed slightly at the surprise of James' words. Did James really think him capable of something like that? Adam's heart constricted in his chest.

"But…" James carried on with a sigh. "Until then… you'll have to live with me and allow me to care for you the way I didn't these past three months, eight days and two hours…" James' voice got quieter and quieter as he almost ended up counting the minutes since he and Adam had broken up, a new knife cutting through him as he remembered the pain of walking out and Adam's hurt expression.

Adam didn't find the words to reply. He just stared at James disbelieving. James took it as an acceptance of his terms and turned to go make some food for the both of them.

"I'll go make dinner…" James mumbled heading for the door, head slightly hung in between his shoulders with never-ending guilt.

" And twenty two minutes…" Adam whispered when James' hand was on the door handle. A warmth took over James' chest making him freeze. Adam stood and walked to the window on the opposite side of the room. James turned and looked at his back.

For a moment neither man moved. Adam felt James' eyes on his back and heard the sigh that had left the other man's chest before turning to the door once more and exiting the room. That's when he finally allowed himself to do what he hadn't for three months, eight days and two hours and thirty minutes – he broke down crying, hugging himself. He now had a week by James' side. One more week of bliss and then… well, he didn't care what would happen then. As tears flowed down his cheeks Adam made a decision to himself. A decision which gave him strength. He stood up, stopped crying and grabbed his duffle bag. He put his clothes away, grabbed a clean pair of sweats and a random top and went to take a long hot shower in James' pristine guest bathroom, with his perfectly fluffy towels and his Cuda products.

"Adam, dinner's ready." James called from the base of the stairs then went back to finish setting up the table. He felt Adam come down to the kitchen rather than hearing him and turned slowly. A smile formed on his face seeing Adam fresh out of the shower, smelling of his Cuda Man Wash.

"You don't have to do this…" Adam whispered as he got closer.

James nodded. "I know. I want to, though." He could not stop smiling. Seeing Adam in his home, at his table, James could not stop smiling. He pulled Adam's chair and helped him sit at the table.

"I'm not a girl, James, I don't need this…"

"Please, just let me…" James sat down next to Adam. "Let me take care of you, let me show you how sorry I am, please, just… one chance, Adam, one." James took Adam's hand in his and kissed his knuckles. "One. Please." James whispered against the skin of his hand.

Adam averted his eyes biting his lip. One week, he thought, one week of heaven. He nodded ever so slightly, warmth spreading through his whole body. One week. One week. He lifted his gaze to James' and nodded again. "One." He said out loud and James understood something else then what Adam had meant, but it wasn't important. The only important thing was James' blinding smile, his soft lips that pressed against Adam's own and the happy tears that flowed from them both.

"I love you so much." James whispered. "I'll never ever put us through that. I promise. Never."

Instead of an answer Adam crashed his lips onto James', tears still rolling on his face. When James moved to sit on his haunches just to be closer to him, Adam's treacherous heart skipped a beat. He cupped James' face and kissed him sweetly before allowing James to place his head on his lap and hug his waist. Adam smiled, petting James' soft hair.

"One condition, though." He whispered softly.

"Anything, just name it."

"I get to share your bed."

James' head shot up in surprise, Adam's hand still resting on it. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

James beamed. "Then, yes. I would want nothing more." He replied without a shadow of a doubt as Adam's hand slid gently, lovingly down the side of his face.

Adam's stomach rumbled effectively ruining the moment. They both smiled as James got up and served their food. Dinner passed by quietly, both men content in each other's company, not needing words, as words had done so much damage between the two of them. The night passed even faster after James suggested seeing a movie in front of the fireplace with a bowl of buttery popcorn, just like Adam loved them. It didn't take long for them to fall into each other's embrace as if the past three months had never happened, Adam finding his place at James' side, on his chest, in his arms with so much ease it scared him a little. One week, he reminded himself. One week, he chanted as he fell into restful sleep lulled by the rhythmic _thumpthumpthump_ of James' heart.

James noticed Adam's breathing become regular and realized he had fallen asleep. He closed the TV and the boring movie and snuggled closer into Adam's warm body, pulling the throw cover off the couch to cover them both. He stayed awake as much as his tired body and mind allowed, watching over Adam's sleep, ever so gently caressing his hair.

"I love you, Adam." He whispered before falling into a deep sleep filled with dreams of a black wolf that had Adam's blue eyes.

* * *

**Like I said in the beginning - TO BE CONTINUED - now, please REVIEW**

**Love,**

**Emy**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's notes: Here's the SLASH! Hope you likey. **

**PS - there is more to come! You may now sit on the edge of your seat until I find the time to actually write it down LOL (I know, I'm evil LOL)**

* * *

Adam woke up in the wee hours of the morning to James thrashing in his sleep like a wild man. Adam watched his face for a couple of seconds before lightly shaking James awake.

"Oh, Adam." James let out and hugged Adam with so much force he felt his lungs struggle to bring in a little air.

"Chocking…" Adam let out just barely. James loosened his hold on him, just enough to breathe, but not enough to move away. Not that Adam wanted to move anyway. Instead, he snuggled closer into James' sleep warm chest. "What did you dream of?"

"A black wolf attacking me." James whispered, a shiver running through his veins as he recalled the angry looking beast. He didn't notice Adam closing his eyes and biting on his bottom lip to keep a cocked sound from escaping.

"Well, it was just a dream." Adam whispered breathing in James' scent.

"I was afraid it would get me and I wouldn't get to see you again." James clung on tighter.

"But, you're awake now. It won't get you. I won't let it." Adam whispered raising himself on one elbow to place a small, chaste, lingering kiss on James' lips. James closed his eyes and hummed as he kissed Adam back. The sound made Adam fight back whatever self doubt or James-doubt he might have had and just give his all into that one small touch.

"Don't hurt me again, James…"

"Never… I'll call my lawyers later and see what I can do to get out of my contract with Ni…"

"No!" Adam shot up in a sitting position. James' eyes widened. "You can't do that. That's you career… you can't… not for me…"

James sat up himself and shut Adam up with a small kiss on the lips. "There's nothing and no one more important to me than you, baby. I tried to live without you. I survived. Like a zombie. Walking dead. Because you held my heart. You always will. That contract – it means nothing. You? You're everything! And I won't hurt you anymore or make you feel like you don't matter, when, it's only you that matters to me. Only you, Adam, only you." James said as he gently pressed his forehead to Adam's and caressed his cheek.

"What if I …?"

"Love me back? Yes – please." James smiled – beamed at Adam making him throw his arms around James' neck with a huge grin.

"You'd really throw everything you've worked so hard for away?"

"In a heartbeat." James answered without a shadow of hesitation.

"That's all I need to know. Don't call your lawyers. Just wait it out. I can wait it out. We can wait it out." Adam said as he felt his heart grow with love, new hope growing inside of him. Maybe it didn't have to be just one week, he thought. Maybe he could really, truly give James a second chance. Maybe he could risk it all again. Knowing what he would be getting into. Knowing what it would take. Knowing he'd have to change – the same as James – for each other, for them as a whole.

"Adam… I'm still signed with them for another year…" James pulled a little way away to look Adam in the eyes. "That's a long time."

"We survived two. We can handle one more… Just… just remind me from time to time what you just said…"

"Which part?" James asked with a smile tugging at his lips. He knew what Adam had meant but wanted to hear Adam say the words.

"That I'm everything…"

"Absolutely everything."

Adam didn't need anything more, he just closed the gap between them – physically and so much more beyond that - kissing James like there was no tomorrow. James opened up to Adam's demanding kiss allowing him to take all that he needed, wrapping both of his arms around Adam's waist and pulling him on his lap with one single move. Minutes, hours later they parted for air, panting.

Adam trailed a wet line of open mouth kisses to James' neck, just behind his right ear and bit down the sensitive skin – not enough to bruise, but just enough to draw out a pleasurable moan before pushing James back down against the plush, fluffy rug in front of the fireplace. James lay down willingly, but pulling Adam on top of him.

Adam smiled against James' lips moving so he was now settled in between James' open legs, their groins perfectly aligned, rubbing against one another. James lifted his hands, kneading at the strong muscles on Adam's back, fingers threading into his raven black hair, mouths colliding wordlessly. They kissed for the longest time, hands exploring each other's body, over clothing and under it, grabbing, kneading, scratching, memorizing and remembering at the same time.

James felt overwhelmed. Love, need and lust bubbling inside of him. He gave a sharp pull at Adam's shirt and heard a loud ripping noise and felt Adam's soft skin under his hands. A small sigh of happiness left his lips, into the heated kiss taking his breath away.

Adam growled and ripped James shirt in return. A sharp tug and the material had given way to the perfectly tanned skin underneath. An animalistic growl left Adam as he moved lower on James' body, kissing every patch of exposed skin, latching onto James' left nipple suckling and biting lightly only to make James arch his back underneath him.

"Fuck, Adam…" James moaned feeling Adam move to the other side and apply the same treatment to his other nipple while he violently pushed his sweats and underwear down in one move. James was lost in feelings, clutching onto Adam's hair, giving him everything he wanted when he felt Adam roll off him to get him fully naked. James' breath caught in his chest feeling Adam's hungry eyes roaming his naked body.

"You're so beautiful." Adam whispered quietly, his hand moving gently over James' thigh making him shiver and blink lazily.

"You have too many clothes on." James whispered in return when he opened his eyes again. Adam smiled as he lay on his back, a small smirk tugging at his lips as he was quietly inviting James to fix the problem. James took a hint and got Adam naked in one swift move before kissing his way up on Adam's body – his ankles, his calves – Adam hissed quietly – his thighs – Adam sighed – a small peck on his balls – Adam moaned quietly clearly wanting more – another small peck right on the angry red tip of Adam's rather impressive cock that James had missed so much – Adam moaned louder – a small kiss on Adam's lower belly – Adam let out a disappointed huff – higher still on his torso, right above his heart – Adam's hand threaded into James hair – a gentle brush of lips against Adam's nipples as James lowered himself onto his lover's body, causing their erections to rub together – Adam moaned again – a barely there lick over Adam's collarbones, his neck, his earlobe, a gentle bite of the sensitive spot on his neck – Adam moaned tilting his head to the side to grant James more access and pushed James' face into the side of his neck, keeping him there, making him leave a subtle mark.

Adam gasped giving himself to James completely. He had yearned for that mark that James had placed on his skin for so many months now, it felt like such a relief to finally have that small unspoken dream come true. He closed his eyes, arched his back and kissed James' eager, demanding mouth when he felt those delicious plump lips touch his own. It felt right – like coming home – to have each other's body so close, rutting against one another, skin against skin. Adam wanted nothing more, needed nothing more as he clawed at James' back, dull fingernails leaving behind small scratches.

James hissed at the feeling and arched his back, pulling away from Adam's lips, pressing his impossibly hard erection into the man under him. He looked at Adam for a second, still feeling the sting on his back even though Adam's soft hands were now caressing over it. He watched as Adam tilted his head ever so slightly into a silent question that James was asking himself. "Do that again…" He finally whispered, rubbing his nose gently against Adam's.

Adam smiled wide and did as James asked. He ran his fingernails down the soft skin of James' back, close to his spine. James moaned, eyes closing, hips thrusting hard against Adam's skin and Adam felt his blood bubble inside of him, his own hips thrusting up into James, without deliberation. He suddenly rolled James over.

James didn't even think twice before opening his legs to allow Adam to settle between them. He wrapped his legs tightly around Adam's waist, his arms around the older man's ribs, pulling him closer, so close that air did not fit in between them. A small sigh of Adam's name left his lips into a never-ending kiss. "Please…" He begged quietly. "I need you so bad." James whispered barely audible.

Adam gasped. He'd never thought he'd hear James ask him that. He pulled away from James' addicting lips caressing his cheek lightly. "Are you sure, baby?"

"Yes, Adam. I am. I want this. I want you. I want you much. Please, baby… just…" James thrust his hips into Adam's a bit awkwardly, due to his position, but Adam still let out a little moan as his eyes rolled back in his head.

"God, James." Adam whispered kissing James breathless before shifting his weight just a little, just so his dick moved a little lower on James' body, gently nudging at his balls and a little lower, at his perineum. James let out a little pleasured noise as he felt a small, new feeling take life and grow inside of him.

Adam let go of James' lips with reluctance. "Well then, if you're sure…" He purred in James' ear as he bit down on James' earlobe, eliciting another little noise.

"Adam, please… now… I can take much more… mmm…" James breathed out with a hot breath as his body convulsed under Adam's with too much lust.

Adam moved lower on James' body, taking pleasure in every single patch of skin, his lips caressing, teeth nipping gently while his warm hand wrapped tightly around James' girth making him lose the little sanity he had left. As James threaded his fingers in Adam's hair, Adam moved even lower effectively engulfing James' whole dick in one go while his hands moved to hold down James' hips.

James moved a little bucking up against the heat of Adam's mouth. Adam held him down as he moaned around James' girth sending pure pleasure coursing through James' already overheated body. A quiet stream of curses flowed from his lips as he fought himself to keep still, fists clenching in Adam's hair, pulling lightly as he did.

Adam loved to see and feel James lost in pleasure. He completely skipped being gentle and began bobbing his head and sucking with everything he had. He kept up a steady, fast pace for as long as he could, until he felt the vein on the underside of James' cock swell on the flat of his tongue and realized just how close James was to coming. He moaned at the thought of feeling James' taste again and switched tactics moving to only suck on the head of James' dick.

"God, Adam, I'm gonna…" James let out barely half a second before his orgasm hit, his load filling Adam's willing mouth, his body spasming under his lover, hips jerking forward without control, toes curling painfully, back arching, eyes rolling back in his head and breath catching in his chest.

Adam almost smirked had his mouth not been otherwise occupied. He took everything James had to give him, swallowed him whole milking James' orgasm as much as he could. James mewled and moaned and Adam could not remember a time when he had been happier. He popped off James' softening dick with a small smirk.

"Wow." James breathed out. "I…" He ran a shaking hand through his sweaty hair.

Adam smirked wider crawling over James' body. "You still want me to…?"

"Hell, yes!" James replied in an instant, pulling Adam to him, by the back of his head, kissing him soundly, tasting himself on Adam's lips, moaning.

Adam pulled away breathlessly. "We need lube, hun…"

"No, we don't." James replied, taking three of Adam's fingers in his mouth, suckling. Adam bit his lower lip at the sexy image in front of him. "Fuck, James…" He growled as he pulled his fingers out of James' mouth to replace them with his demanding tongue. He distracted James with a heated kiss as he pushed one single finger inside of James.

James hissed as he pulled away. "Devious…" He managed to let out as he felt Adam sink his finger knuckle deep inside of him and hit a little something inside of him. "Oh…" He let out in surprise seeing stars behind his eyelids.

"Mhmm, found it." Adam smirked moving his fingers against the same spot again and again until James felt himself grow hard all over again.

"Oh, fuck, Adam…" James let out.

"In a minute, love, in a minute." Adam whispered into James' ear adding another finger. James hissed, but Adam quickly found his prostate again and began abusing it with full force while scissoring his fingers, stretching James carefully. James soon forgot his pain and started fucking himself on Adam's fingers willingly, wantonly making Adam almost lose control.

"Fuck, James, you're so hot…"

"Adam… please…"

Adam growled low taking out his fingers and slamming inside of James without any more preparation. James cried out in pain but Adam was already balls deep in him. Adam let his head onto James shoulder, fighting himself to keep still.

"Relax, baby. Just relax. I promise it gets better. I'll make it better, I promise." Adam kept whispering into James' skin, trying to make his lover relax.

"Fuck, that hurts. You're… too big…" James felt himself split in half through the pain, but Adam's words, his touch, his body over his own were making it better – somewhat. And so were the tiny butterfly kisses Adam was placing into the skin of his shoulder.

Adam smirked. "I'm not too big, baby… you're bigger…" He whispered sweetly.

"Am not…"

"Are too…"

"Am not…" James opened his eyes to glare at Adam.

Adam kissed James lightly. "Better?"

James' eyes widened when he realized that Adam's distraction had worked and he had, somehow, managed to relax around Adam's girth. "Mmmm, yeah… move?" He asked, a little scared, a little excited and a lot lustful.

"Mhmmm." Adam replied while snapping his hips back and forward gently to test James' reaction.

James hissed a little. "I think I can handle it now." He told Adam, locking eyes with him.

Adam moved again, harder this time. He fought himself to not thrust into the hot vice of James' body. He kissed every patch of James' skin that he could reach. He kept a slow steady pace and shifted his weight a little searching for that little spot he'd found earlier. James mewled under him and Adam knew he'd found it again so he kept going, slammed into it full force. James arched his back under him and Adam couldn't hold back anymore.

"Fuck! You've been holding back!" James whispered feeling his prostate abused again. His dick started aching in need so he wrapped a hand around it and started tugging in time with Adam's desperate rhythm.

Adam bit his shoulder leaving a dark red mark behind and James moaned loudly. "I won't last…"

"Then don't." James replied, out of breath, arching into his lover.

That was all the push that Adam needed. He began pounding in James relentlessly. James' hand moved in time with his lover, his second orgasm bubbling up in his groin at amazing speed. He groaned low from his chest feeling Adam sheeted deeply inside of him.

"James… I… can't…"

James purposely squeezed his walls around Adam, his free hand scratching at the soft skin of his back, his lips latching onto Adam's neck leaving another bright purple mark on the perfect white skin. Adam groaned, his eyes rolled back and his body fell on top of James as his orgasm hit. Rope after rope filled James up to the brim and pushed him over the edge as well, his seed shooting all over both of their chests. He drew out his orgasm as much as he could, shivering in time with Adam, unable to form words to express his love from the man on top and inside him.

Adam finally remembered James needed to breathe as well and rolled off of him. James hissed feeling a sense of loss as Adam moved away. But it didn't last long as Adam gathered him up in his strong arms and pulled him tight against his chest. James sighed with happiness cuddling into Adam, hugging him back. He felt limpless. Amazingly, positively, absolutely, blissfully limpless.

"I love you." James whispered.

"I love you." Adam echoed and allowed James to doze off into restful sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's notes: **

**Half way through this you are going to hate the living shit out of me. but please go on. i promise you'll love me again by the end.**

* * *

The week - their week - passed by in blur of love-making, whispered promises and bliss. Adam had never been more happy. His smile would for ever be plastered to his face. He gave James everything of himself, every ounce of love, every loving kiss he was capable of. He'd barely slept the whole week long, watching over James' restless slumber. He didn't want to waste a single second he had left by James side, for his decision had been made and Adam saw no turning back.

The doctor had granted him a clean bill of health at the end of the week and James was now driving him back home - his home - to gather up a couple of stuff so they could move in together permanently - in James' larger home in the Hollywood hills.

James' phone rang - as if on cue - Logan calling to say that they needed James in the studio to record a brand new song. Adam saw it as a sign that his decision was correct. He smiled through the pain in his chest and assured James he'd pick up his stuff and meet him at his place - their place, James corrected - their place Adam parroted with a smile. James left with a smile and the sweetest of good-bye kisses as Adam entered his apartment, tears in his eyes and a claw in his heart.

He placed the house keys in their place and look around at the apartment that had been his home for more than five years - James' home for two out of those five - and felt empty and detached, as if it would have been nothing more than a hotel room. He ran a hand through his hair and walked into the den.

Tears began to flow freely as he brought out the box with his and James' pictures. He looked at each and every one lovingly before throwing the lot in the fireplace and lighting them on fire. Adam cried inconsolably as he watched the flames lick at the memories he cherished so deeply, but he wouldn't need them anymore and no one was supposed to see them, so Adam stood heading for the bedroom.

He entered the bathroom, started a bubble bath for himself. An all-too-hot bubble bath, except there would be no bubbles, Adam thought. As the bathtub filled he rummaged the medicine cabinet. He took out the bottle of prescription sleeping pills he'd been addicted on ever since James had left him and his eyeliner.

Tears dried on his face as Adam traced the contour of his eyes with heavy black making them stand out even more than they normally did against the pitch black shade of his hair. When he was satisfied with the image in the mirror Adam smirked. He did not hesitate. He drowned all the remaining pills with one gulp of water, a single tear falling down his cheek, leaving behind a trace of black eyeliner. Adam couldn't bother cleaning his face.

He grabbed a disposable razor and took out the tiny blade before stripping down and stepping in the boiling hot water of the tub. He hissed but soon relaxed into the warmth, head leaning back on the ridge of the tub, eyes closing to stop the flood of tears that were threatening to spill.

When he found enough strength, Adam opened his eyes, a couple more tears spilling out from the corners of his eyes as he ran the blade quickly over both of his wrists with sharp, determined movements.

The moment a single droop of his blood spilled and diluted in the bath water Adam smiled. He allowed the blade to fall where it may before placing his hands on his thighs - palms up - and closing his eyes.

Adam soon feel into motionless sleep for the very last time.

Seven hours after dropping off Adam James was heading back at his place - their place - a smile still on his lips remembering the past week and how Adam had forgiven him and just how much love they'd shared.

When he turned into his driveway James' heart stopped. Adam's car was nowhere in sight.

Come to think of it - Adam hadn't replied to either of the sappy messages James had sent him throughout the day. James began to worry. His heart constricted. Something was wrong.

Without thinking, James jumped into his truck and drove like a mad man right to Adam's front door. He got there to find water flowing from under Adam's door. James' heart stopped. He gasped for air.

"ADAM!" He yelled as loud as he could, banging on the door with both of his fists. The door shook from its hinges but no answer came from inside the apartment. "ADAM OPEN UP!" James tried again, but, when no answer came, yet again, he took a single step back and kicked the knob with all of his might.

The door flew open, only the inch of water slowing it down. James gawked at the flooded apartment. Why would Adam allow this to happen? Had he forgotten some faucet open as he left for James' place? No - Adam's car was still in the lot - James had noticed it coming up. Then where...?

James raced into the living room where he found the same amount of water mixed in with ashes. He looked down and recognized the burnt corner of one photo. His eyes widened further thinking Adam had left him. But why would he have left after the love he had showed James for the whole week?

James moved like a zombie to the bedroom, fearing the worst.

Water was gurgling all around. the sound of running water coming from the bathroom. It drew James in like a moth to the flame. When he entered the room James froze. The heat in the room was unbearable but James didn't notice. All he noticed was Adam. In the bathtub. White as a sheet of paper. Tears had flown down his cheeks, leaving streaks and streaks of black eyeliner behind. And the water - the water was the most awful sight James had ever seen - it was red - crimson red - and James knew - he knew his Adam was gone.

He opened his mouth to breathe but a sharp, broken cry left his chest and his knees buckled. James fell into the hot bloody water crying helplessly.

"Adam, what have you done...?" James finally managed to let out. "Why?" James crawled his way to the lifeless corpse and caressed the oddly cold skin, he kissed the stiff yet still soft lips. "I love you so much, Adam. Why did you leave me?" James finally broke down completely, doubling over.

A gleam of turquoise caught James' eye after a while. He recognized the disposable razor and knew what Adam had used it for. "I won't let you leave me." James whispered to Adam's corpse. He stood on shaky legs and picked up the remainder of the razor with an even shakier hand. He ripped the remaining blade from the razor, stepped into the bathtub, next to Adam and, with sharp, decisive moves slid his own wrists repeatedly. He felt weak as the blood drained from his body, but, with a smile, James placed his head on Adam's shoulder and slept with one final whisper of "I love you".

He opened his eyes with fear gripping at his throat, not allowing him to breathe. Crusty dry tears were gathered at the corners of his eyes from crying himself to sleep the previous night.

As fear subdued and his eyes focused, he recognized the surrounding room as the murky hotel room he'd check in after leaving his home and the man that he loved the previous night.

Moonlight was still streaming through the meek curtains he hadn't bothered to close all the way. He tried to turn on his other side but the haunting images of his dream would not leave him. The more he tried to escape his dream the more details he was remembering.

He remembered love. He remembered pain. He remembered powerful feelings as if he'd really gone through all that. But then he remembered something else. Something that made his blood freeze. He remembered death. He remembered dying.

"NO!" He yelled and sat up running his hands through his hair. "No." He shook his head. "No." He said again as if trying to convince himself, but tears still flowed down his face. So threw his legs over the side of the bed, stood, got dressed, got his duffle and his phone and key and checked out of the hotel.

He drove straight back to the place he'd left only hours before, running up the stairs two, three at a time until he was out of breath and panting. But that did not matter. Nothing mattered anymore.

He banged down the door of his own home until... until the door knob slowly turned and it opened ever so slightly.

"What the fuck? Whadaya want from me?" Adam's sleepy voice scolded him.

"Everything." James answered in a heartbeat, throwing his arms around Adam's neck, almost making them both tumble to the ground. Adam remained stiff.

"No."

"Forgive me. I'm an idiot. Please, Adam, please, I can't live without you. Please." James whispered into the soft skin of Adam's neck.

"You left." Adam replied with coldness.

"But I came back. It took just a few hours away from you, away from us, to know you're the air I breathe, please Adam, forgive me."

Adam finally wrapped his arms around James' waist, muzzling into his neck, inhaling and James was finally - finally home and able to breathe.

"Don't ever leave me again." Adam said and James felt a tear warm his shoulder before Adam pulled away and shoved the door closed. James simply stood there watching Adam, watching his muscles ripple under his white skin.

Adam extended his hand to James and James eagerly took it, feeling nervous, anxious, as if this were their first time. Adam led them to the bedroom, to their bed. James smiled as they both got under the covers, clothes and all, and simply cuddled till the sun came up

Three months and five days later James was taking a blindfolded Adam to his three years anniversary present.

"James, where are you taking me?" Adam giggled, a hand stretched out in front of himself, the other clutched tightly on James' forearm as he stepped out of James' truck.

"Careful, love." James cooed, helping Adam out of the vehicle. He was beaming with happiness. "We're almost there."

"There, where?" Adam asked impatiently.

"Wait just a little longer, baby, just a little longer." James pulled Adam in his embrace, pecking his lips lovingly. He felt Adam sigh into their kiss and knew he'd closed his eyes.

James led Adam a few paces further then Adam heard a door open. "James..." He said in a warning tone of voice. "I told you I didn't want a party..."

"It's not a party, baby, I promise. I'd never trespass your boundaries."

"Ok." Adam whispered and allowed James to move him through the house.

"Stop." James finally whispered in his ear and Adam did what he was told, closing his eyes when he felt James undo his blindfold. Adam blinked a couple of times to the view in front of him. He couldn't make heads or tails of the view.

James' arms wrapped around his waist and Adam leaned into the well known, comforting warmth of James' chest. "It's a forming cloud." He explained.

"Oh."

"This is the view we'll see every day when we wake up."

"What?!" Adam almost shouted and suddenly turned to face James. He saw they were out on a balcony, long white curtains blowing in the wind from the opened door of a bedroom.

James simply smiled and nodded but said nothing. Adam broke away from James' embrace and went into the house.

The bedroom was a thing made of dreams. Exactly as Adam had always dreamed their bedroom would be. He turned to look at James who simply stood in the door - beaming. Adam let out a rather embarrassing squeal and ran out the door to see the rest of the house. James giggled and followed.

"It's beautiful." Adam finally told James, his eyes filled with light and happiness and love. "Kind of empty."

"It's not done." James moved to hold Adam's hips. "You need to finish it. Make it complete. Like you've made me." He pecked Adam's lips chastely.

Adam's eyes began glowing with unshed tears. "I love you." He whispered quietly and hugged James to his chest for a second before letting go and giggling his way through exploring their new home.

* * *

**Author's notes: **

**If you ask me what's gotten into me to write this I will honestly reply I have no idea. I feel like Adam has to come with drama, but, I don't know - I just.. I couldn't sleep last night seeing all that I have written here.. Hope you still love me and leave me a review - maybe - please :)**

**Love,**

**Emy**


End file.
